Friday, November 27, 2009

Five DC Characters Cooler Than Superman or Batman

[-begin transmission-]

1. Firestorm

Okay, first of all, his name is Firestorm--a name that could not be cooler without adding at least three references to death in it. And, second of all, he does this:

Plus, he can alter the chemical composition of inorganic material, which probably comes in pretty handy when you’re at the beach and out of money.

But what about the man behind the dude with the nuclear hair--the secret identity, as it were--is he interesting? Well, it’s like this: He’s actually two people. That’s right, a wisecracking, hip-slang-using college student and a stuffy old professor are caught in a nuclear accident (stop me if you’ve heard this one before), and thereafter can join bodies to become a flaming superhero! (Did that sound gay?) Which makes Firestorm the one superhero who can talk to himself without being crazy.

2. Blue Devil

Lots of superheroes have really screwed up origins, but check this out: A stuntman builds himself a cool power-suit (think Iron Man) for his new movie, “Blue Devil.” One day, while filming in the middle of nowhere, two actors on the film wander off and find a cave that just happens to have a real demon hanging out in it. Our stuntman leaps in to rescue them, much to the confusion of the real demon, who just wants to be friends with what he thinks is another demon. Anyway, in the ensuing melee, the stuntman gets zapped with some with magical energy, which causes him to merge with the power-suit, effectively making the Blue Devil costume his new skin.

Later, it’s revealed that Blue Devil is a “weirdness magnet.” This was, of course, the single greatest idea in the history of comics, as it allowed the writers to create all kinds of situations they’d never have been able to get away with otherwise.

3. The Martian Manhunter

The Martian Manhunter is from Mars, which is pretty cool right there. Power-wise, he can pretty much do anything Superman can do, plus he’s telepathic, a shape-shifter, and can become invisible and/or intangible. In fact, he has so many powers that they pretty quickly start to become redundant.

Of course, when you have a character this inherently unbeatable, you have to give him a super-weakness. In this case, fire. That’s right: fire. (Which, in my opinion, is even lamer than Green Lantern’s weakness, which is a color.) But, hey, I guess they had to do something to weaken a guy who can become completely undetectable and then make you punch yourself in the face.

4. Power Girl

To be honest, I don’t really know much about Power Girl. But just by looking at her picture, I can see at least two big reasons why she’s better than Batman.

5. Zombie Aquaman

Yes, Aquaman is lame. We know this. But I’m not talking about the gay fish-man who talks to whales and uses dolphins as water skis. No, I’m talking about pissed-off undead Black Lantern Aquaman, who does shit like this:

In the next panel, he rips out Aqualad’s heart and eats it. So fuck you, Superman.

[-carrier lost-]


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  2. Nonsense. I don't need a girl with back problems.

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