Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Unreliable Narrator

[contact reestablished]

Four years ago (1), I found myself on my own, with very little in the way of responsibility, and making the most money I ever had in my life. So I bought an iPhone, and it changed my life in much the same way that Jesus had not. Because of this, its nickname became "Jesus Phone," and eventually just "Jesus." (2)

Jesus and I were very happy together, until one dark day when, while stick-fighting ninjas in order to save a schoolbus from plunging over a cliff into lava, I accidentally dropped him in the toilet. (3)

By that time, the iPhone 3G was out, so the very next day I bought one. He needed a name too, of course, and since he was all black (4) and I needed someone even cooler than Jesus to name him after, I chose "Dio." (2 again)

Dio served me well for two years (1), but when the iPhone 4 came out, he started having issues. These weren't really his fault, of course. But all the new software updates were designed for the more powerful iPhone 4, and my poor little 3G struggled with them (5).

Still, Dio basically worked, and I was no longer as rich as I'd once been, so I held out. These things aren't designed to last forever, though, and eventually Dio's "home button" started to give me problems. I soldiered on, probably far longer than I should have. It's hard to let go of old friends sometimes (6).

It was Misty who finally insisted that we go to the AT&T Store yesterday and buy me a new phone (7). There was just one problem, though: Who's cooler than Dio?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...


1. Approximately. I'm way to lazy to try to figure out an exact day here.

2. I'm sorry if this offends anyone of a religious persuasion, but go fuck yourselves.

3. Did I really need to put "accidentally"? Is there any chance you might have thought that I did it on purpose?

4. The first generation iPhone had an aluminum back-piece and trimming.

5. The 3GS probably did better, but Apple simply didn't care about the iPhone 3 any longer.

6. My recommendation: Don't name inanimate objects.

7. That's right, guys: My girlfriend made me buy the new iPhone. Jealous?

[transmission terminated at source]