The Deep Black Sea

Unreliable Narrator

2011-02-15T12:46:00.000-05:00

[contact reestablished]

Four years ago (1), I found myself on my own, with very little in the way of responsibility, and making the most money I ever had in my life. So I bought an iPhone, and it changed my life in much the same way that Jesus had not. Because of this, its nickname became "Jesus Phone," and eventually just "Jesus." (2)

Jesus and I were very happy together, until one dark day when, while stick-fighting ninjas in order to save a schoolbus from plunging over a cliff into lava, I accidentally dropped him in the toilet. (3)

By that time, the iPhone 3G was out, so the very next day I bought one. He needed a name too, of course, and since he was all black (4) and I needed someone even cooler than Jesus to name him after, I chose "Dio." (2 again)

Dio served me well for two years (1), but when the iPhone 4 came out, he started having issues. These weren't really his fault, of course. But all the new software updates were designed for the more powerful iPhone 4, and my poor little 3G struggled with them (5).

Still, Dio basically worked, and I was no longer as rich as I'd once been, so I held out. These things aren't designed to last forever, though, and eventually Dio's "home button" started to give me problems. I soldiered on, probably far longer than I should have. It's hard to let go of old friends sometimes (6).

It was Misty who finally insisted that we go to the AT&T Store yesterday and buy me a new phone (7). There was just one problem, though: Who's cooler than Dio?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

BATMAN

1. Approximately. I'm way to lazy to try to figure out an exact day here.

2. I'm sorry if this offends anyone of a religious persuasion, but go fuck yourselves.

3. Did I really need to put "accidentally"? Is there any chance you might have thought that I did it on purpose?

4. The first generation iPhone had an aluminum back-piece and trimming.

5. The 3GS probably did better, but Apple simply didn't care about the iPhone 3 any longer.

6. My recommendation: Don't name inanimate objects.

7. That's right, guys: My girlfriend made me buy the new iPhone. Jealous?

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To The Disco Room!

2010-07-07T13:25:00.000-04:00

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Yeah yeah, I don't blog anymore. Whatever. (Actually, this post is sort of proof that I do--just at a much slower pace.)

Anyway, Misty wanted a disco CD for the car--and I've toyed with the idea in the past, myself. I could never find any compilations that seemed even close to what I wanted, though. And doing it myself seemed like too much work. (Which, in fact, turned out to be correct.)

Nevertheless, I now present you with the perfect disco CD. (And, when I say "disco," I mean classic 70's disco cheese, no crossover new wave 'heart of glass' stuff here.)

Disco Inferno - The Trammps
Brick House - The Commodores

Dancing Queen - ABBA

Stayin’ Alive - The Bee Gees

Funky Town - Lipps Inc.

Kung Fu Fighting - Carl Douglas

Ladies Night - Kool & The Gang

That’s The Way I Like It - KC & The Sunshine Band

Boogie Wonderland - Earth, Wind & Fire

Le Freak - Chic

Turn The Beat Around - Vicki Sue Robinson

Car Wash - Rose Royce

Shake Your Groove Thing - Peaches & Herb

We Are Family - Sister Sledge

Play That Funky Music - Wild Cherry

Upside Down - Diana Ross

Y.M.C.A. - The Village People

You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate

Don’t Leave Me This Way - Thelma Houston

I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor

Pick Up The Pieces - Average White Band

Last Dance - Donna Summer

There are 22 songs, because that's how many fit on a 80-minute CD. But feel free to post your, "What, no ______ by _______?" comments here.

(And yes, Michele, I know I'm gay. Thanks.)

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Permanent Tourist

2010-03-18T13:10:00.002-04:00

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Now that the job search is over, I've been able to turn my attentions toward more pleasant things. Like posting photos over on Theme Park Review.

As you may have already been aware, I had a Smoky Mountain Adventures thread over there last year, in which I detailed all the crazy tourist attractions available in and around Pigeon Forge. That thread, by necessity, was ended when we moved to Orlando. But now I have a new one for Florida:

Erik & Smisty's Florida Oddventures

So far, I've posted photos from Walt Disney World, St. Augustine, and McDonald's. So you know it has to be good.

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Mare Tranquillitatis

2010-03-04T19:11:00.000-05:00

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Hey everybody, I have a job!

I don't start for, like, two weeks--but still, at least I can relax a little bit now, mentally.

I applied at quite a few hotels, since I have so much recent experience with that (and I knew it would pay better). But what I really wanted to do was return to the parks (money be damned). Preferably, SeaWorld.

Anyway, it took a month, but they finally called me. Hooray!

This will be my second stint with the company. I worked in guest services at Discovery Cove about four years ago, before relocating to Tennessee. So it seems only appropriate to go back to work for them now that I live in Orlando again. It's a different actual job this time, though.

I am a "security ambassador."

No, I'm not really sure what it means, either. But as long as it doesn't involve food or toilets, I'm good.

So if you want to bring a bag into SeaWorld, look me up. I'll poke it with a stick for you.

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The Wizard of Boom

2010-02-28T22:53:00.000-05:00

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Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. In Orlando. Still. I mean, I do live here. Still sort of feels like a vacation, though. A really sucky vacation where I have to look for a job all the time but can't find one. Which is why I haven't posted much. No, not because I'm so busy looking for work. But because I've always been less comfortable posting the negative things that are happening in my life. I'd prefer to just hold off until I have a job. And then I can post, "Hey everybody, I have a job!" That would be nice. But alas.

Not that I'm giving up or anything, mind you. In fact, right at the moment, at 11:00pm on a Sunday night, I'm writing this while killing time waiting to call a guy back about a job. That's how dedicated I am.

And in between, I'm trying to enjoy Orlando. Which really is a great town, outside of the complete lack of job openings. I'm going to Disney World, like, three time a week. (Hey, I'm unemployed and I have an annual pass.) Playing mini golf here and there. Visiting family (both mine and Misty's). And just generally trying not to think about my mounting bills while constantly adding to them. So that's fun.

Hopefully, my next post will be, "Hey, I got a job!" And it will be less than a month from now.

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My Valentine, Silly

2010-02-14T23:18:00.001-05:00

Octopus's Garden

2010-02-11T20:55:00.000-05:00

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So, the only real downside to moving to Orlando is that I now have to look for a job. (See, I already had a job where I was before. A nice job. An easy job. A relatively well-paying job.)

Anyway, today I had an interview for a front desk position at a hotel with 2,000 rooms. I had to take a shuttle from the parking garage to the lobby. There were at least eight employees working the desk. They said it was a slow day.

I have no idea if I'll get the job. But if I do, I'm pretty sure I could invite you to come visit and you'd never find me.

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So That's Where It's Got To

2010-02-07T22:35:00.003-05:00

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Oh, hey, look, my blog.

So...I live in Orlando now. Yeah, sorry I didn't mention that earlier. Anyway, everything's cool so far, except that I don't have a job. But I do have a Walt Disney World annual pass--and, quite frankly, I think that's better anyway.

How are you?

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The 4:00am Fairy

2010-01-18T20:41:00.001-05:00

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What’s that, loyal readers? You require an update, so as to remain current (or “up” as the kids now say) as to what is happening in the life of your hero, which is me?

Very well!

We are moving to Florida!

Wait, that’s not news.

Okay, well, we’re moving even earlier, now. My last day of work (at my current job, anyway) is January 30th. And we’re planning to leave Pigeon Forge on the morning of February 1st. (So if you’d like to stalk me, you can’t say I didn’t give you anything to go on.)

The drive from Pigeon Forge to Orlando (or vise-versa) is one I’ve made many times. But, this occasion, we plan on taking our sweet-assed time, and making a vacation out of the move itself.

Current planned stops include (but may not be limited to) The Mayfield Dairy in Athens, Tennessee, Rock City, The Georgia Aquarium and World of Coke in Atlanta, and the entire city of St. Augustine, Florida (which is where they invented Atlantis or something).

On a sad-but-related note, my Smoky Mountain Adventures thread over at Theme Park Review will, due to my lack of continuing to live here, be coming to an end very soon. But, hopefully, I’ll be able to make time in amongst all my moving-preparations to give it a properly glorious send off.

I’ll keep you posted. With my posts.

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Erik’s Incredible Movie Reviews: Moon

2010-01-08T21:53:00.002-05:00

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Moon is the debut film of director Duncan Jones, who is the son of famed musician David Bowie.

I have to admit, that while I like many of Mr. Bowie’s songs, I was never what you might call a rabid fan. He was always more of a “greatest hits” type artist to me--although, to be fair, I never really did delve all that deeply into his back catalog. The one proper CD that I did buy was Earthling, which was a sort of foray into techno, and I did rather enjoy that--especially the single, “Little Wonder.”

But back to Moon. The story concerns an excitable moon-farming astronaut (Sam Rockwell) and his always-calm computer companion (voiced by Kevin Spacey). Yet, despite this science fiction premise, and the fact that David Bowie wrote many science fiction themed tunes, Duncan Jones chose to not use any of his father’s music in the film--not even “A Space Oddity.” Which, considering how much Moon evokes the film “2001: A Space Odyssey,” seems almost like a direct insult to his father.

It’s worth noting, too, that Mr. Bowie is also an accomplished actor, having played roles as disparate as a laid-back version of himself (in the movie “Zoolander”) to a clearly more evil version of himself (“The Sovereign”) on the TV show The Venture Brothers. Yet, despite this range, he does not even make so much as a cameo in Moon.

I suppose, to some degree, this is understandable. I never really got along with my dad either. But even he liked David Bowie.

Spoilers: Dude’s a clone.

Erik’s Rating: Pi

Who It Works Best For: People who liked 2010, but who nevertheless did not find it a particularly worthy sequel to 2001, in terms of scenic design and tone.

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My Minimalism Sense is Tingling!

2010-01-06T17:38:00.000-05:00

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I’ve spent the last couple of years paring down, getting rid of “stuff,” and generally seeking to be able to carry everything I own in a backpack.

Of course, we now have car. So that means we can have more stuff. And when we move to Orlando, we’ll likely get an apartment, which means furniture. Which is all well and good, except that it’s freaking me out slightly.

My basic theory has been to have as little as possible so that I’d need to take care of as little as possible. And, also, things cost money. So, not buying things means having more money. And I like having money.

Still, moving back to Florida is what I want, and moving back to Florida seems to necessarily entail these things. So I need to get over it, I suppose. And besides, we already acquired a few things while we were in the house (like a TV), and those aren’t so bad.

Well, maybe we can at least find a really small apartment.

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March of the Mad Hares

2010-01-02T13:08:00.000-05:00

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The original plan was to buy a car in April and move to Orlando at the end of May. That way, we could make a big amusement park trip out of the move, since all the parks would be open by then.

But, since we bought the car early--and we're quickly growing tired of the eFFing cold--we're now thinking of heading down at the beginning of March. The big amusement park trip will be lost, but at least we won't have to suffer through another car show here (the first one is in April).

There are some other trade-offs, as well. But I think we're just mentally done here. It's time to start wrapping things up and move on.

So there you go: March.

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More Nonsense About Our Car

2009-12-29T12:50:00.000-05:00

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I bought our new 2006 PT Cruiser ("Touring Edition") through Carmax. Of course, no company is as good as they say they are, but I was drawn to their basic principles of 'no haggling' and such. And they came through. The price online was the same price as when I got there, and there were no hidden or last minute fees or anything. I was further impressed with the fact that they handled all the governmental stuff, so that I literally do not have to step foot in (or even talk to) the DMV.

I also financed through Carmax. But that wasn't the original plan. I figured, that with my excellent credit (it's, like, the one thing I've got going for me), I'd be better off getting pre-approved by someone else before I went in. And this proved to be true, even if it didn't quite work out.

So I called Bank of America, and they approved me for a 5-year, $10,000 loan at 4.35%, which I thought was pretty decent. Unfortunately, they got hung up on my physical address. My driver's license lists the house on Cook Street that I sold three months ago, all my mail goes to a PO Box (which are dispised, for some reason, by any company or government agency whose primary function is doing paperwork), and I live in a hotel. This simply would not do for BofA, who insisted that my driver's license would have to match the address on the title, at which point I would have to somehow prove that I lived there.

Now, to some degree, I get that. They want to make sure they can find me if I stop paying my loan. Makes sense. On the other hand, I have excellent credit, I've never missed a payment or defaulted on anything in my life, and--quite frankly--how, exactly, does a piece of mail with a house address on it prevent me from driving off in my new car and never looking back?

Anyway, rather than sort through all that, I just went with Carmax, who didn't seem to give a shit. Of course, their interest rate for the same loan was 7.25%, but I guess that's the price I pay for my itinerancy.

Proving, once again, that if you want to be normal, you have to be normal.

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The Blue, Suffocating Chain of Freedom

2009-12-28T21:18:00.000-05:00

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Today, I bought a car. Then I drove home and blogged about it.

Am I doing it wrong???

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Footloose and Fancy Free

2009-12-27T12:36:00.000-05:00

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For the last four years, I have been car free. No, that's not a typo. "Car free." As in, I have not owned a car. This usually amazes people. First they tell me that they could never do that, then they ask me confusing questions like, "What if it rains?" (Um, I said I don't own a car, not that I don't own an umbrella.)

Anyway, I've really enjoyed it. But it seems that it's about to come to an end. In preparation for moving back to Orlando next year, Misty and I are going to buy a car. Possibly, tomorrow.

Which is why, today, I did one of the most terrifying things ever: I bought auto insurance for a car that I have not yet purchased.

Why? Well, because otherwise I won't be able to drive the-car-I-intend-to-buy-tomorrow home.

Y'all live in a complicated world.

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A Life of Amusement, Part 3: The Way to My Heart

2009-12-21T22:17:00.003-05:00

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I’ve written a bit about how I first got into amusement parks. Now I’d like to talk about how I look at parks now.

Perhaps a more interesting question than “what is my favorite amusement park,” is, “what do I look for when judging a park?” Sure, there are lots of intangibles. But I’ve come to realize that, for me, there are four very specific physical things that a truly great park needs to possess.

It may seem a bit arbitrary, but the more of these four things a park has, the more I tend to like it.

1. At least one roller coaster that I want to ride over and over.

This is the trickiest of the four to pin down, but also probably the most important. For me, a good roller coaster should be wild, but not beat me up too badly. Most likely, this means a relatively-smooth wooden roller coaster, or a steel one that mimics the traditional thrills of a wooden one. And “airtime” is always a plus.

2. A dark ride.

A traditional dark ride is a low-thrill attraction where you ride through a building in a little car and look at stuff. But most modern ones will give you an electronic gun so you can shoot at things. Either is good with me. In fact, even a boat ride will do--as long as it’s mostly indoors and there’s stuff to look at, I’m happy.

3. A sky ride.

An amusement park staple that isn’t being built much anymore, the sky ride is not only a great way to travel from one area of a park to another, but usually offers some pretty cool views, as well. Also, they’re kind of scary--so that’s always good.

4. A full-service restaurant.

This one may seem weird, but I consider a park’s food to be a part of the total experience. And it’s a nice break in the day to be able to sit down, relax, and have someone bring you food--instead of having to find a dirty metal table outside somewhere to plop down your tray of greasy french fries.

Lots of really good parks have two or three of the above, but very few have all four. In fact, at the moment, I can only think of one: Indiana Beach, in Monticello, Indiana.

Which, interestingly enough, just so happens to be my favorite park. :O)

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Hammer of the Gods

2009-12-19T12:47:00.004-05:00

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I love compiling things. There's just something about determining order that I find fascinating. As a kid, I made mixtapes. Later, it was CD's. And now...well, now, everything is on the internet.

I'm sure you've heard of Led Zeppelin. But have you heard their ten best songs (as determined by me) in the order I would put them in?? I'm betting not. BUT NOW YOU CAN!!!

You lucky black dogs, you.

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Distracted By Flying Santas

2009-12-15T22:31:00.003-05:00

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Why is it that you can do the same job over and over for years and never give it a second thought, but the moment you put in your two weeks notice, every day becomes a struggle just to go in?

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Is It Too Early For a "Year in Review" Post?

2009-12-12T19:59:00.000-05:00

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It was Misty and I’s first full year together. We finally unloaded the house we’d been trying to get rid of for forever, visited 10 different amusement parks, saw Matthias and stayed with both of our respective families in Orlando, hung out with Seth for a couple of days in Sandusky, introduced Misty to the world best ice cream (Toft’s), and pretty much did every touristy thing we could think of here in Pigeon Forge in anticipation of moving back to Florida next year.

So that's pretty good, right?

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Erik’s Incredible Movie Reviews: GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra

2009-12-08T17:44:00.004-05:00

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Rumor has it that the original GI Joe script was a straight-forward action piece. Luckily, the studio decided to go the spoof route instead, resulting in a hilarious send up of every action movie cliché of the last 20 years.

It starts with an army platoon transporting a top secret “super weapon.” They’re engaged in standard pull-my-finger tough guy action movie banter, when they’re suddenly attacked by an alien spacecraft piloted by one of the army dudes’ former girlfriend, now inexplicably a ninja. The movie is full of “plot twists” like this--but not to worry, it’s all part of the fun; they’re not supposed to make sense.

The army platoon is wiped out (in rather humorous fashion), except for our hero and his wacky black sidekick--who are saved by a crack, international squad of Americans called GI Joe.

Soon, our heroes have become initiated into the ways of GI Joe, equipped with super-powered suits of armor, and sent to Paris to stop terrorists from destroying--what else--the Eiffel Tower.

Of course they’ll succeed, right? Not so fast. It’s an indication of how darkly clever this movie is, that not only do our heroes not prevent the destruction of the Eiffel Tower, they destroy half of Paris in the process! (Meaning, literally, that the city would have been better off had no one even bothered to try to save the day. Take that, action movies!)

Later, we learn that the bad guys have constructed a huge underwater base beneath the polar icecap. Which, when discovered, prompts this spontaneous exclamation from our heroes (and my favorite line in the movie): “The perfect location!”

The perfect location for a trap, that is! Once our heroes arrive, the villain detonates explosives hidden in the icecap, causing huge icebergs to fall and crush his own liar. (I particularly like this spoof of action movie physics. After all, if the hero can jump and ride the wave of an explosion, why can’t ice sink to the bottom of the ocean when blown into slightly smaller chunks by the villain?)

The villain turns out to be the disfigured brother of the hero’s former girlfriend, whom the hero failed to save and thought was dead, and who is also responsible for the brainwashing of his own sister into being a super-powered ninja and a whore. The hero makes the girl honest and submissive again through the power of love, the villain gets away, and GI Joe goes down in history as one of the funniest movies ever made.

Spoilers: Make sure to stay through the end credits, or you’ll miss Jonathan Pryce’s amazing “whistling president” scene!

Erik’s Rating: 10

Who It Works Best For: Your mom!!!

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Walking In a Winter Dollywood

2009-12-05T21:31:00.006-05:00

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Before Pigeon Forge, I’d almost always lived in warm states. In fact, I never even saw snow (other than on TV) until I was 30.

So when it does snow here in Tennessee, I get really excited. And instead of looking for excuses to stay in (like a sane person), I start looking for reasons to go out. Like, for example, the fact that I haven’t checked my PO Box in over a week. Those Christmas catalogs must be really piling up by now!

But wait. Today is Saturday. Dollywood is open today. I mean, sure, I have to work at 3:00pm--but I could just go for an hour or two, to take pictures. I mean, when am I going to get another opportunity to take pictures of roller coasters in the snow??

You might notice a theme in the following photos: namely, the complete lack of people. But no, I did not break in. The park was, in fact, open--at least, for a while.

Of course, later--on my way to work--I passed by the Dollywood Information Center, and their sign said that the park was closed today. So I guess it’s good that I went early.

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Eight more photos of snow-covered Dollywood can be found in my Smoky Mountain Adventures thread over at Theme Park Review.

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A Life of Amusement, Part 2: All Grown Up

2009-12-04T18:39:00.002-05:00

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For the majority of what I like to refer to as my adulthood, my preoccupation with roller coasters has manifested itself not only in visiting amusement parks, but in working at them, as well.

It started at Disneyland, with an experience that I can only describe as a disaster. Part of it was probably my fault: It was only my second job, and frankly, I really didn’t know how to be a good employee, yet. But they certainly didn’t help matters. They put me in a completely different job than the one they trained me for, and then blamed me for their disorganization.

My experience at Knott’s Berry Farm was much better. I was given the job that I wanted, trained properly for it, and unlike at Disneyland, I finally felt that, “wow, I’m working at an amusement park” feeling. Unfortunately, I eventually had to quit it, in order to do something that paid a bit better.

I tried a few other jobs. The extra money was nice, but--just being jobs--they weren’t much fun.

So when the opportunity to move to Ohio for the summer to work at Cedar Point presented itself, I jumped at the chance. I’d never even been to the park before when I started working there, but I’d heard lots of good things about it. And while working there was mostly fun (in a completely insane sort of way), it turned out to not really be my kind of park.

I did some software tech support for a short time after that, which sucked. And then Orlando, where I worked at Universal’s Island of Adventure for four years, followed by a brief stint at SeaWorld’s Discovery Cove. Both operations impressed me a lot, in different ways. But it’s Islands of Adventure that remains the most fun I ever got paid for.

My friend, Seth (whom I’ve actually worked with at two different parks now), once asked me, “Do you still want to be doing this when you’re 40?”

I said, “Yes.”

When I came to Pigeon Forge, I wanted to work at Dollywood. But finances were again an issue. Working at an amusement park for the money is like trying to break into Hollywood by sleeping with the writer. I tried my hand at hotels instead, and was pretty good at it. I also didn’t completely hate it, which was nice. And as Misty and I prepare to move back to Orlando next year, it looks like I probably won’t ever get the chance to add Dollywood to my resume.

I’m not yet sure what sort of job I’m going to get in Orlando. But there are lots of amusement parks there.

And, by then, I’ll be 40.

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A Life of Amusement, Part 1: Childish Things

2009-12-02T21:58:00.002-05:00

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“A nerd is a person who uses the telephone to talk to other people about telephones.” -Douglas Adams

The other day, someone asked me how I first became interested in roller coasters.

I grew up close enough to Disneyland to see the nightly fireworks from my house. I went as often as I could. Which is to say, as often as I could talk my family into taking me. Knott’s Berry Farm wasn’t too much farther away. It was different, but I liked it, too.

Visiting some relatives in Minnesota one summer, I got the opportunity to visit their local amusement park, ValleyFair! (It’s not that great. The exclamation point is part of the name.) I didn’t ride the coasters, though. They scared me. So did the ones a Knott’s. I loved the parks, but only Disneyland’s roller coasters were tame enough for me to try.

There was another park two hours north of where we lived: Six Flags Magic Mountain. I wanted to go. But there was a problem: No one wanted to take wussy Erik to a coaster park.

A deal was struck. They would take me to Magic Mountain, but only if I agreed to ride all the coasters.

I loved it. I rode all the ones at Knott’s and I loved them, too. I sought out all the information on roller coasters that I could find. But there wasn’t much, this being before the advent of the internet.

Still, I found a few mentions here and there. My greatest coaster treasure became a People magazine from 1984, with an article that purported to name the country’s 10 best roller coasters. One I’d ridden. Two more, I’d heard of. The rest were all alien to me. The Beast, Mind Bender, Thunderbolt.

I’ve been on all of those, now. And I just found a link to that article on People’s website: Hold on Tight

I no longer have to walk 10 miles through the snow, uphill both ways, to get to school. And milk no longer costs a nickel. But I still love roller coasters. It’s more about the total amusement park experience for me now, though.

Maybe it always was.

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Punched In The Face By The Fist of Christmas

2009-12-01T17:42:00.001-05:00

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Ah, December! And that means Christmas music. Which means, once again, that it’s time for me to tell you what my favorite, and least favorite, Christmas songs are! But don’t think of this as me repeating myself, please. Think of it more as my own little Christmas tradition.

My favorite Christmas song is undoubtedly “A Marshmallow World.” Not so much because it’s good--though it is certainly catchy enough--but because it’s completely crack-smoking. And sometimes that’s a good thing.

Of course, one could argue that it’s not actually a Christmas song at all, since the lyrics only ever refer to winter. Of course, one could also argue that it sounds like the innermost thoughts of a junkie who just scored big on Christmas. Plus, there are Christmas bells in it--so shut up, you.

Those are marshmallow clouds being friendly / in the arms of the evergreen trees / and the sun is red, like a pumpkin head / it's shining so your nose won't freeze

In the imaginary video of this song that exists in my head, an alcoholic mouse puts down his bottle and swears the stuff off forever after Dean Martin walks by singing that.

My least favorite Christmas song, on the other hand, is a toss up between two particularly nasty concoctions: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and “Santa Baby.” Both have the same basic weakness: the incongruous inclusion of sex.

Don’t get me wrong. I like sex. When I see an advertisement for a new automobile, I expect there to be a half naked cheerleader draped across the hood. And if there’s any hope at all of getting me to watch a romantic comedy, it damned well better have Katherine Heigl in it and not Renee Zellweger. But if there’s one thing that sex doesn’t need to be a part of, it’s Christmas songs--especially if it’s going to be done this ham-handedly.

“Santa Baby” always sounds to me like a prostitute explaining her price list. And to make matters worse, the lyrics read like they were constructed by HP Lovecraft on a dare:

Santa cutie / fill my stocking with a duplex / and checks / sign your 'X' on the line / Santa cutie / and hurry down the chimney tonight

I mean, I guess “duplex” rhymes with “checks.” But after that, you’re pretty much on your own.

The sex element in “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is far more chaste, but it cranks up the creepiness factor to 11 by having its young protagonist ponder how amusing it would be to watch his parents’ marriage destroyed:

Oh, what a laugh it would have been / if daddy had only seen / mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

Yeah, that would’ve been awesome, kid. Now go back to bed and resume dreaming of torturing small animals.

Objectively, I’m sure there are worse Christmas songs out there. There can always be something “worse” of anything. No doubt “Larry the Cable Guy” is working on an all fart noise version of Carol of the Bells right now. But, at the moment, these two are the worst, most popular, most I’m-completely-sick-of-hearing-them Christmas songs in Erikland--where it is also, coincidentally, a marshmallow world.

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Erik’s Incredible Movie Reviews: Up

2009-11-29T16:43:00.007-05:00

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From the makers of Toy Story and Finding Nemo comes the soul-crushing tale of loneliness and despair, “Up.”

Day after day, a bitter old man sits alone in his house after the death of his beloved wife. We see every frustration and heartbreak of their lives together: they wanted children, but couldn’t have them; they wanted to travel, but never did. So now the old man sits, contemplating the minute sadnesses of existence.

Then, things get worse. Evil developers have him arrested on trumped-up charges and evicted. And at this point, the film lets loose its one bit of whimsy, as the old man sails his house away to South America using balloons. I expected this to end up being a dream sequence. But, as it turns out, we are apparently supposed to accept this as a real occurrence in the film. In any case, this brief intermission is merely set-up for the movie’s real sucker punch. Soon, the old man is slogging through the jungle, literally dragging his house behind him like an anchor--his only companions, a fat forsaken child and a slightly-retarded dog that no one has ever loved.

Eventually, our protagonist encounters his childhood hero (now disgraced), who promptly tries to murder him. And the old man, even after all that he’s endured already, discovers that he can still be made to feel fresh new pain and sorrow.

Exactly why Pixar decided to take such a radically different emotional approach to their tenth feature film is not entirely clear. Though one suspects that they simply wished to finally have a hit in the one country that had thus far rejected them. And in that, at least, they succeeded--as “Up” went on to make over $100 million dollars in France.

Spoilers: All the balloons pop, and the house is destroyed.

Erik’s Rating: 27

Who It Works Best For: Satanists, people who just need one more little nudge in order to kill themselves.

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Erik’s Incredible Movie Reviews: Sweeney Todd

2009-11-28T18:53:00.005-05:00

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As the most correct human being in existence, I’m constantly looking for new ways to share my genius with all of my Earthy cousins. To that end, I am starting a new feature on this blog, entitled, “Erik’s Incredible Movie Reviews.” But please be aware, gentle reader, that way out here, I never know what movie I’ll be watching next. So don’t necessarily expect only new releases.

With that in mind, let us start the festivities with Tim Burton’s “Sweeney Todd.” You will, of course, recall Mr. Burton as the man responsible for such towering cinema as the Pirates of the Caribbean films and Fight Club. And his latest work, happily, brings those same sensibilities to bear.

Sweeney Todd is a romantic comedy about a struggling restaurant owner (Helena Bonham-Carter) in old-timey London, and the artist (Johnny Depp) who rents an upstairs room from her. Soon, the artist’s upscale clientele is spilling down to the restaurant, bringing newfound success to the both of them. But will Depp’s intensely-focused Todd look up from his work long enough to notice that she exists, or will the secret she harbors ruin their relationship before it even starts?

Sweeney Todd also stars Sacha Baron Cohen as a snake-oil salesman, and Alan Rickman as a colorful local judge. Oddly enough, the film contains very little spoken dialog, choosing instead to have its characters express their innermost feeling through song! It’s a bold strategy that works surprisingly well, much of the time. And, if this movie is ultimately successful, it’ll be interesting to see if more “singing pictures” get made in the future.

Spoilers: Everyone dies at the end.

Erik’s Rating: 4

Who It Works Best For: Men trying to convince their girlfriends that they’re watching something she wants to see.

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Five DC Characters Cooler Than Superman or Batman

2009-11-27T13:05:00.025-05:00

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1. Firestorm

Okay, first of all, his name is Firestorm--a name that could not be cooler without adding at least three references to death in it. And, second of all, he does this:

Plus, he can alter the chemical composition of inorganic material, which probably comes in pretty handy when you’re at the beach and out of money.

But what about the man behind the dude with the nuclear hair--the secret identity, as it were--is he interesting? Well, it’s like this: He’s actually two people. That’s right, a wisecracking, hip-slang-using college student and a stuffy old professor are caught in a nuclear accident (stop me if you’ve heard this one before), and thereafter can join bodies to become a flaming superhero! (Did that sound gay?) Which makes Firestorm the one superhero who can talk to himself without being crazy.

2. Blue Devil

Lots of superheroes have really screwed up origins, but check this out: A stuntman builds himself a cool power-suit (think Iron Man) for his new movie, “Blue Devil.” One day, while filming in the middle of nowhere, two actors on the film wander off and find a cave that just happens to have a real demon hanging out in it. Our stuntman leaps in to rescue them, much to the confusion of the real demon, who just wants to be friends with what he thinks is another demon. Anyway, in the ensuing melee, the stuntman gets zapped with some with magical energy, which causes him to merge with the power-suit, effectively making the Blue Devil costume his new skin.

Later, it’s revealed that Blue Devil is a “weirdness magnet.” This was, of course, the single greatest idea in the history of comics, as it allowed the writers to create all kinds of situations they’d never have been able to get away with otherwise.

3. The Martian Manhunter

The Martian Manhunter is from Mars, which is pretty cool right there. Power-wise, he can pretty much do anything Superman can do, plus he’s telepathic, a shape-shifter, and can become invisible and/or intangible. In fact, he has so many powers that they pretty quickly start to become redundant.

Of course, when you have a character this inherently unbeatable, you have to give him a super-weakness. In this case, fire. That’s right: fire. (Which, in my opinion, is even lamer than Green Lantern’s weakness, which is a color.) But, hey, I guess they had to do something to weaken a guy who can become completely undetectable and then make you punch yourself in the face.

4. Power Girl

To be honest, I don’t really know much about Power Girl. But just by looking at her picture, I can see at least two big reasons why she’s better than Batman.

5. Zombie Aquaman

Yes, Aquaman is lame. We know this. But I’m not talking about the gay fish-man who talks to whales and uses dolphins as water skis. No, I’m talking about pissed-off undead Black Lantern Aquaman, who does shit like this:

In the next panel, he rips out Aqualad’s heart and eats it. So fuck you, Superman.

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Things That I, Erik, Am Personally Thankful For

2009-11-26T21:41:00.004-05:00

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1. That my ancestors drove the Native Americans from their lands, so that I could live there.

2. That I shall clearly never be important enough for robots from the future to come back and try to kill my mother.

3. That the USA's most recent presidential election swept in a bold, energetic new administration--allowing us to do nothing differently in Afghanistan or Iraq.

4. The magic of cakes.

5. That humanity, though doomed, at least came far enough to be able to invent the iPhone.

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Just Reading This Will Make You 20% More Awesome

2009-11-25T17:21:00.003-05:00

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Warmest greetings to you, good sir or madam. I am Electerik. But you may call me Erik, for I would prefer our relationship to be an informal one.

Yes, relationship. Because that’s what writing (and its slightly-retarded cousin, “blogging”) ultimately is: a relationship between the genius author (that’s me) and the generally just-fortunate-to-be-here reader (you).

But fear not! This is not the sort of animal relationship one might have with one’s gardener or some passing plumber. This is to be chaste and caring, with sex only as a natural expression of our mutual respect. I can assure you, unlike certain other blogs I shan't mention here, the worst thing you will get from me is the occasional unpleasant mental image (see previous sentence).

This is my promise to you: I will use this blog primarily for good, and never merely to solicit money. Here, I will cover topics ranging from my favorite superheroes, all the way down to superheroes I don’t particularly care for. There might also be the occasional picture of a cat with a funny saying under it. And, of course, I will be documenting every meal I consume, along with any particularly meaningful bowel movements (as chosen by me).

So, sit back, relax, and leaving the smartness thinking to me.

Oh, and at some point, you might also want to get yourself checked for gonorrhea. I’m just saying.

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